Post by sherlockmoriarty on Apr 27, 2015 15:03:05 GMT
Sherlock Moriarty - Craptasterpiece's Revisited.
Way back in the halcyon days of 2058, in the shadow of the SolarMax Project, Hollywood decided that they would turn their back on the unlimited power of the sun. Instead, it universally decided that the power of the moon would lead it's way into megabucks, and chose a bestselling teen franchise based on transforming wolf men, who remove their tops and glow under the full moon.
If that sounds particularly ridiculous to you, dear reader, then you might have been part of the minority back in your parents day. Moonlight, and it's sequel (we'll talk more of the prequel later) were worldwide hits, spawning hundreds of thousands of fans, who almost universally wished to bask in the second hand light of the moon than care about the wonders of modern technology. This series might as well have been the gluttony of zombie “revival” films in the wake of Romero's death, for all the brainlessness that followed it.
Now usually when I write you these nostalgia pieces I pick a film that, despite it's poor overall quality, at least they have the redeeming feature of having heart and soul. Moonlight and it’s sequel were an irredeemable mess that from it's very conception was a beast of pure profitability, sniffing through the droppings of the teen love genre for some blood to gorge itself on. There is nothing redeemable in this trash. I write this now as a favour to you, my loyal readers; one day I'll call this favour in.
Let's first talk about the great shame this franchise is on traditional Werewolf fiction, before moving on to the actual crimes this movie series makes. Lycanthropy has several traditional markers with which the average man on the street can use to spot their predators.
One of the major features of the werewolf mythos is the wolf’s connection to the moon. An allegory to the feminine cycle and a fear of the masculine’s relation to that, the coming of a full moon heralds a change. Logic and reason disappear as a being of pure driven instinct and emotion emerges, and base instincts are followed on; While we can all agree these are outdated views on gender separation, it is interesting to see where historic man has shown his fear. Now, we’re a movie maker, and we’ve heard of these myths and have decided to modernize this myth; you’ve already decided that only being able to change under a full moon limits your exciting action romance, so in order to keep the full moon special, what do you do? If you were anyone with some degree of sense, you’d use it to further tension in the narrative, maybe even keep the idea of the mindless bloodrage once a month with which the characters must overcome in order to find happiness. What do you do instead?
You. Make. Them. Sparkle. Under. The. Full. Moon. That’s right, full on fur glow. Like a wet dog turned icicle, with a bad CG shine effect.
Why do you make them sparkle under the moonlight though? Does it make the Hollywood standard washboard abs look more appealing? Did women at the time really like glitter? Some historical context is required I suspect. The book series was initially written in 2055 by author S.T.Mayor as an attempt to cash in on supernatural teen dramas with a series about Icemen, with glittering skin which was cold to the touch. Ever the cynic though, Mayor polled a series of teenagers and found Werewolves much more appealing. So a few rewrites later, Ice has been replaced with fur, but a couple of the old Ice traits remained. Lost yet? So the concept originated from the books, and yet, some reason Hollywood didn’t leave them on the pages, despite the fact we’re seen Hollywood change things from the books in order to create a better narrative in the film adaptation; Tyrion Lannister becoming King Of The Word in the most recent GoT film adaptation wasn’t a part of the unfinished final book, but I think we all agree, it’s the better ending than the one we got.
Remember how I mentioned the decision to remove a potential cause of tension in the film? There is no real sense it exists in the movies either. Sure there’s conflict between the main villains of each film and the main characters, but between the romance couples all tension is immediately resolved, and there’s no sense that the horrible monster curse of Pad actually ever puts Jacky at risk. The werewolf thing only ever feels like a blessing; they live longer, they can transform whenever they want, they’re in control rather than the other way around.
The love triangle between Pad, Jacky and Alan never goes anywhere anyway. Even after Pad leaves and Alan declares his intentions in the most sickeningly sweet homage to 80s teen movies I have ever seen, it never feels like Jacky stops pining over Pad; Everything feels artificially created by a “Hollywoof” intent on selling more and more merchandise. From the writing of the dialogue, it would have made much more sense for the characters of Pad and Alan to end up together, than either of them end up with the most boring character to hit our screens since Dante in the Major Motion Picture interpretation of The Divine Comedy. Give the traditional conflict between classes in Britain, there was so much they could do with the obvious working class nature of the werewolves, and the landed gentry image they give to the Hunters, and yet no mention at all in the entirety of the second movie.
You can at least see the hand of someone in this film who decided they could make money by filling it as full of references to much better films as they could. Now usually, I appreciate a good reference in a movie, it’s a nod to the more hardcore of movie goers that our shared narrative movie history is important, even when films aren’t directly linked narratively. When references are taken wholesale from other films in the most cynical manner possible though, it’s just insulting. There are scenes directly ripped off from Teen Wolf, Underworld, the American Werewolf in X films and Dog Soldiers, each one treated through a PG-13 filter.
The presence of some of these references might even explain some of the completely non-sensical decisions made regarding distance, but when it’s to the detriment of logical film telling it’s just insulting. The first film finale takes place in London; the most sensible place for the the finale to have been was Dublin. Every single person in “London” has an Irish accent, funny for a scene based in the Capital of England. Even worse, the Garou, Paris’ leading Werewolf family are all English, like every traditional villain in existence.
Allow me to paint a portrait: The sun is shining, there’s not a cloud in the sky and young men can go topless without the aid of alcohol. If that doesn’t scream traditional Ireland, then you’ve been to Ireland, much unlike the DP of this movie. Not once is the glittery torso of a muscley teen-wolf limited by the overcast sky blocking the moon.
Here’s the plot synopsis for the final film: “In early 19th-century Ireland, orphaned sisters Jacky and Francesca find themselves lost in a forest while riding on horseback. They're rescued by The Hunter, a mysterious Celt who takes them back to Conall. Something strange has happened there, however. The few residents who remain are suspicious of outsiders and keep tight-lipped about the situation, but Jacky soon discovers their secret for herself.”
Notice anything odd about this? Nope, neither can this film geek. That’s because that movie synopsis sounds like the makings of the best movie ever. While it has an odd interpretation of life in 19th century Ireland, it actively gives agency to the female characters, adds tension between the major villains and interpersonally between the major female leads, and most importantly, removes the relationship aspect of the series. It even pushes up the PG-13 violence of the previous movies, focuses on practical special effects over CGI monstrosities, and EVEN ADDS SQUIBS. SQUIBS!
Despite being the lowest grossing film of the series, and the reason for the cancellation of the series, this author would love for there to be a reboot following on from the tone set in the prequel.
Review in Haiku
Hollywood Cynics
Cash in on Pubescent Girls
Embarrass themselves
Way back in the halcyon days of 2058, in the shadow of the SolarMax Project, Hollywood decided that they would turn their back on the unlimited power of the sun. Instead, it universally decided that the power of the moon would lead it's way into megabucks, and chose a bestselling teen franchise based on transforming wolf men, who remove their tops and glow under the full moon.
If that sounds particularly ridiculous to you, dear reader, then you might have been part of the minority back in your parents day. Moonlight, and it's sequel (we'll talk more of the prequel later) were worldwide hits, spawning hundreds of thousands of fans, who almost universally wished to bask in the second hand light of the moon than care about the wonders of modern technology. This series might as well have been the gluttony of zombie “revival” films in the wake of Romero's death, for all the brainlessness that followed it.
Now usually when I write you these nostalgia pieces I pick a film that, despite it's poor overall quality, at least they have the redeeming feature of having heart and soul. Moonlight and it’s sequel were an irredeemable mess that from it's very conception was a beast of pure profitability, sniffing through the droppings of the teen love genre for some blood to gorge itself on. There is nothing redeemable in this trash. I write this now as a favour to you, my loyal readers; one day I'll call this favour in.
Let's first talk about the great shame this franchise is on traditional Werewolf fiction, before moving on to the actual crimes this movie series makes. Lycanthropy has several traditional markers with which the average man on the street can use to spot their predators.
- They have red hair - Despite being set in Ireland, where statistics put, despite being a recessive gene, ginger people at 10% of the populace. Not one of the major characters has hair even remotely close to this colour. In fact, having watched this film and counted every single person who appears, there was a grand total of one red head; a single female extra in the background of the car boot sale scene in the first movie.
- They were born on Dies Natalis Solis Invicti - That’s right, their birthday is December 25th. To quote a quite inflammatory scene of the film, from an argument between Catholic Jacky, and presumed Catholic Pad: “There’s nothing special about Jesus’ birthday, nothing to celebrate, no reason to wake”. What reason would he have not to celebrate the day he and all of his kin were born?
- They all have monobrows - Sorry, traditional Hollywood looks here I’m afraid.
- Their pointer and their middle finger are both the same length - (See the next for the precise scene breakdown here)
- They love rare meat - I’m going to combine this point and the last point into one for the sake of maintaining my recognizable conciseness. During the celebration scene in the end credits of the second movie, if you pause the scene 11 seconds after they say Amen after Grace is said, you can clearly see the fingers of Francesca as she’s eating a burger. Not only are her fingers obviously not the same size, but the burger is obviously well done, and having a look of such glee on her face, it’s obvious that this type of burger is clearly her favourite.
- Werewolves have hairy palms - Come on now, they’re not even trying to make this film realistic.
- Hair on the inside of their skin - Look, I wasn’t really expecting them to do this one, and I wasn’t disappointed, but it’s worth mentioning if only for the fact that there is the perfect scene in which I can talk about how they didn’t even try. In an uncharacteristic turn of events, the film started to take a dark turn around the big conflict scene with the Garou (Lazy and cliché naming convention aside) and there are amputated limbs aplenty. While this scene eventually resolves by being a drug induced nightmare, it is clear how little love this franchise has for it’s original source material, given we get a close up of a bloody stump and there is a complete lack of visible fur inside.
- Place a metal box over their head and they’ll turn back to normal - Armoured. Cavalry. Wolves. With helmets.
One of the major features of the werewolf mythos is the wolf’s connection to the moon. An allegory to the feminine cycle and a fear of the masculine’s relation to that, the coming of a full moon heralds a change. Logic and reason disappear as a being of pure driven instinct and emotion emerges, and base instincts are followed on; While we can all agree these are outdated views on gender separation, it is interesting to see where historic man has shown his fear. Now, we’re a movie maker, and we’ve heard of these myths and have decided to modernize this myth; you’ve already decided that only being able to change under a full moon limits your exciting action romance, so in order to keep the full moon special, what do you do? If you were anyone with some degree of sense, you’d use it to further tension in the narrative, maybe even keep the idea of the mindless bloodrage once a month with which the characters must overcome in order to find happiness. What do you do instead?
You. Make. Them. Sparkle. Under. The. Full. Moon. That’s right, full on fur glow. Like a wet dog turned icicle, with a bad CG shine effect.
Why do you make them sparkle under the moonlight though? Does it make the Hollywood standard washboard abs look more appealing? Did women at the time really like glitter? Some historical context is required I suspect. The book series was initially written in 2055 by author S.T.Mayor as an attempt to cash in on supernatural teen dramas with a series about Icemen, with glittering skin which was cold to the touch. Ever the cynic though, Mayor polled a series of teenagers and found Werewolves much more appealing. So a few rewrites later, Ice has been replaced with fur, but a couple of the old Ice traits remained. Lost yet? So the concept originated from the books, and yet, some reason Hollywood didn’t leave them on the pages, despite the fact we’re seen Hollywood change things from the books in order to create a better narrative in the film adaptation; Tyrion Lannister becoming King Of The Word in the most recent GoT film adaptation wasn’t a part of the unfinished final book, but I think we all agree, it’s the better ending than the one we got.
Remember how I mentioned the decision to remove a potential cause of tension in the film? There is no real sense it exists in the movies either. Sure there’s conflict between the main villains of each film and the main characters, but between the romance couples all tension is immediately resolved, and there’s no sense that the horrible monster curse of Pad actually ever puts Jacky at risk. The werewolf thing only ever feels like a blessing; they live longer, they can transform whenever they want, they’re in control rather than the other way around.
The love triangle between Pad, Jacky and Alan never goes anywhere anyway. Even after Pad leaves and Alan declares his intentions in the most sickeningly sweet homage to 80s teen movies I have ever seen, it never feels like Jacky stops pining over Pad; Everything feels artificially created by a “Hollywoof” intent on selling more and more merchandise. From the writing of the dialogue, it would have made much more sense for the characters of Pad and Alan to end up together, than either of them end up with the most boring character to hit our screens since Dante in the Major Motion Picture interpretation of The Divine Comedy. Give the traditional conflict between classes in Britain, there was so much they could do with the obvious working class nature of the werewolves, and the landed gentry image they give to the Hunters, and yet no mention at all in the entirety of the second movie.
You can at least see the hand of someone in this film who decided they could make money by filling it as full of references to much better films as they could. Now usually, I appreciate a good reference in a movie, it’s a nod to the more hardcore of movie goers that our shared narrative movie history is important, even when films aren’t directly linked narratively. When references are taken wholesale from other films in the most cynical manner possible though, it’s just insulting. There are scenes directly ripped off from Teen Wolf, Underworld, the American Werewolf in X films and Dog Soldiers, each one treated through a PG-13 filter.
The presence of some of these references might even explain some of the completely non-sensical decisions made regarding distance, but when it’s to the detriment of logical film telling it’s just insulting. The first film finale takes place in London; the most sensible place for the the finale to have been was Dublin. Every single person in “London” has an Irish accent, funny for a scene based in the Capital of England. Even worse, the Garou, Paris’ leading Werewolf family are all English, like every traditional villain in existence.
Allow me to paint a portrait: The sun is shining, there’s not a cloud in the sky and young men can go topless without the aid of alcohol. If that doesn’t scream traditional Ireland, then you’ve been to Ireland, much unlike the DP of this movie. Not once is the glittery torso of a muscley teen-wolf limited by the overcast sky blocking the moon.
Here’s the plot synopsis for the final film: “In early 19th-century Ireland, orphaned sisters Jacky and Francesca find themselves lost in a forest while riding on horseback. They're rescued by The Hunter, a mysterious Celt who takes them back to Conall. Something strange has happened there, however. The few residents who remain are suspicious of outsiders and keep tight-lipped about the situation, but Jacky soon discovers their secret for herself.”
Notice anything odd about this? Nope, neither can this film geek. That’s because that movie synopsis sounds like the makings of the best movie ever. While it has an odd interpretation of life in 19th century Ireland, it actively gives agency to the female characters, adds tension between the major villains and interpersonally between the major female leads, and most importantly, removes the relationship aspect of the series. It even pushes up the PG-13 violence of the previous movies, focuses on practical special effects over CGI monstrosities, and EVEN ADDS SQUIBS. SQUIBS!
Despite being the lowest grossing film of the series, and the reason for the cancellation of the series, this author would love for there to be a reboot following on from the tone set in the prequel.
Review in Haiku
Hollywood Cynics
Cash in on Pubescent Girls
Embarrass themselves
